Reflecting on Two Years of Motherhood
Earlier this month we celebrated our baby turning two.
And I celebrated two years of motherhood. I never understood why my mum thought my birthday was a big deal for her until I became a mum myself.
Recently we had a birth debrief appointment (almost two years after I’d given birth) at the hospital, my son was with us, and my husband said “That’s where you and mummy were born”. He corrected himself, but actually it was where “Mummy” was born too.
Before my son was born I didn’t realise just how much I would change. The “Mummy” version of me feels like a completely different person. And it’s funny because I considered myself a mum while I was pregnant, but it still felt different once he was earthside.
The enormity of the responsibility you have once you’ve given birth rocks you to your core.
One minute your baby is in your belly and the next you’re meant to look after this tiny, helpless human. Like, they let you take this baby home with you?! Becoming a mum is the biggest head-fuck I’ve ever experienced. It’s also the most amazing one. But, in all honesty, it took me a while to get there.
The tiredness of the newborn stage floored me. When people tell you nothing can prepare you for the tiredness they’re not joking! The night wakes mixed with cluster feeding, the stream of visitors and a baby that doesn’t want to be put down left me feeling exhausted and overwhelmed.
I know this sounds negative, and honestly, it felt it initially. I’m pretty sure I also had undiagnosed PPA and PND which didn’t help…and nobody talks about the intrusive thoughts that new mums have! But it gets better, I promise.
Like (I’m sure) most Mums, I thought my baby was amazing. But babies don’t do much, for the first while at least. And then at one month, he smiled at me. A proper smile, not the kind that you try to convince yourself was a smile but really was just wind. And the smile was for me. His mummy. It was after a particularly tough night, but it made the sleepless nights feel better. It was the first time I felt that maybe I was doing something right, he knew who I was. I knew there would be more moments like that and they would outweigh the bad.
It’s so cool creating a tiny human and then watching them turn into the person they’re going to be. Finding out what they like, don’t like, what makes them laugh.
It’s also exhausting. And I felt like I lost the person I was before. Most parents, and most often Mums, feel like they’re just surviving in the early days of parenthood. You’re always needed in some way. Time slips through your fingers and finding time to yourself is tough. We put so much pressure on mums to get back to “normal”, to do it all.
But the normal you knew BB (before baby) can’t exist anymore.
And everything changes because of it; your friendships, relationships with your family, work and your partner. You’re no longer just a couple. You’re parents and not each other’s (only) main priority anymore.
The absolute hardest thing about being a mum has been the lack of sleep. We didn’t hit the four-month sleep regression because his sleep was shit up to that point! Those people who say their baby slept through the night at eight weeks are either lying, have very different ideas of what ‘through the night’ means, or have a unicorn baby.
I found it so hard in the days when my baby wasn’t really on the move but it was worse when he started walking. You need more energy once they hit the toddler stage. My son only started sleeping through the night recently, and this was a turning point for me. Up to that point, I was not thriving.
I’ve always wanted to be a mum. And I’ve always had an idea of the kind of mum I’d be. That wasn’t the type of mum I was. But I’m getting closer to being her.
There are two major things I’ve learned about motherhood so far.
The first is that it is a contradiction of emotions. You’re exhausted but refuse to not respond to your kid during the night. You need a break but don’t trust anyone with your baby. You’re desperate for bedtime some nights and then spend the night looking at photos of them while they’re asleep.
The second is that time really does go by too fast. You don’t realise when they lose their chunky wee arms and legs, or when they start to look different. The first two years of my kid’s life have flown in. I love the current version of him, he amazes me every day. But I also miss every version of him that’s been before.
I sometimes miss the life I had before. I miss the long lies (god, do I miss those!), the choice to have lazy or spontaneous days and deciding we’re eating cereal for dinner. I miss getting to do stuff I enjoy for longer than nap time. But I knew my life was missing a kid and now he’s here there is no way I’d go back to that life. Besides, in about ten to twelve years time he’ll decide I’m not cool and I’ll get time to myself. And then I’ll be longing to hang out with him…
See, I told you, a contradiction of emotions!
I’ve badly neglected my blog over the last few years so I’m giving myself one more attempt at keeping it going regularly. Over the last two years, I’ve had so many ideas for blog posts about motherhood but not the time or energy to actually write anything. I hope you’ll stick around for this new topic!
